On not knowing.
I like to anticipate what is ahead of me. I like knowing what to expect. So these past few months have not been easy as I’ve found myself in a place of not knowing. It started out with the search for a spring internship. Not only is it a grad requirement for journalism majors, but it’s a great way to get practical experience before job searching. I started applying in late November, and by the time classes started up again in January I had only heard back from one of five, and it was a rejection. So I applied for a few more, and even made inquiries at places that didn’t have a internship position listed. I emailed with a few editors, but nothing has panned out thus far. It’s been a frustrating process, and I feel like I’m a bit stuck. And with the present tense as a question mark, it’s pretty difficult to move forward to graduation and have a big plan for what I’ll do afterward. I have ideas, but it’s hard to pursue any when I don’t even have right now figured out. I’m also taking a lot fewer credits this last semester, and these past two months I’ve had to figure out what life looks like when my schedule is not dictated by classes. I feel like I’ve been stuck in this funny transitional stage, and I’m not quite sure when it will end.
I’ve been walking around, not knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going. I’m trying to be proactive, to move forward, but there’s only so much I can do on my end. And it’s not like I’m wallowing in this unknown. Sure, I’d much rather have a plan stretched out before me and know what these next months are going to turn into, but I’m realizing that I simply do not and cannot know. I can’t see into the future. I can’t possibly plan on what to expect from my life next week, let alone six months from now. I can only take one day at a time, and use it as best I know how.
So I have to have a huge amount of trust that things are going to work out – that I’m going to get an internship and graduate, that I’ll find a job afterward, that I’ll be able to handle the job that I have. Trust when you’re facing the unknown is difficult though. It doesn’t seem natural. But I believe in God, and I believe that He is active and interested in my life. Sometimes, when I’m stuck in times of uncertainty, it’s hard to actually believe that. But I know that so far in my life I have never been so very lost for so very long. Uncertainty passes. Things become clear again. You take steps in a new direction with confidence. And even if you hit a few bumps in the road, things start to work together into something lovely. God promised to guide me, so I just have to have to be willing to put all my unknowns in His hands and give Him the opportunity to lead me. And hey, sometimes, when you don’t know what’s coming, you’re surprised by the most wonderful things, things you never could have planned on your own.
“So whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.'” – Isaiah 30:21